


a lot of explaining to do

by SleepyMaddy



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Angst, Gen, Meta, One Shot, Sort of? - Freeform, Spoilers for Episode: s12e01-02 Spyfall, ish
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-07
Updated: 2020-01-07
Packaged: 2021-02-27 05:27:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,158
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22161787
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SleepyMaddy/pseuds/SleepyMaddy
Summary: The best lies always have a bit of truth to them –but now she’s not even sure which is which.
Relationships: Thirteenth Doctor & Yasmin Khan & Graham O'Brien & Ryan Sinclair
Comments: 25
Kudos: 145





	a lot of explaining to do

**Author's Note:**

> Spoilers for spyfall part 2!

She’s never liked lying so she stays silent.

After she drops off Noor and Ada –( _don’t make me go back)_ _no, no, please, I want that knowledge, please_ ( _don’t make me go back)_ –, after she finally gives in, after she finds out it’s all gone, _again_ , she spends some time in the vortex, alone.

And then she lands the TARDIS exactly five minutes after she left, in that plane hangar. For once, her ship actually does as she’s asked.

She drops them off back in Sheffield of course. She doesn’t know _exactly_ what happened to them between the plane in San Francisco and the hangar in England, but Ryan did mention something about being “public enemy number one” and they _were_ just in a crashing plane, so she gets that they might need a break. She drops them off and then she puts in the coordinates for a few days later. She changes them to a planet on the other side of the galaxy, five centuries from now. Hesitates. Changes them back to Sheffield. 

When her fam steps back on board, the air around them is practically _humming_ with questions. This regeneration’s always been very – _too_ – sensitive, telepathically speaking, but she used those abilities to communicate with the Master barely a few days ago, after months of reining them in and smothering them, and now it’s _so much louder_.

And they’re justified! Of course they are! They’re allowed answers, they _deserve_ answers and she turns towards them and Yaz smiles and is about to start speaking and–

And the Doctor starts ranting, too fast, too high, but she can’t stop and _oh_ they just _have_ to see this planet, it’s called Kasilta, and it’s got _flowers_ made of _spun sugar_ and _yes you can eat them Graham that’s the whole point, but you have to get a permit first otherwise it’s a criminal offense and–_

She’ll tell them next time.

She doesn’t.

It turns out that rambling doesn’t help, so she stops, and lets actions replace the words, whisking her fam away, from planet to planet with barely a break in between. Maybe she can just keep them busy enough that they’ll just. forget. Human memories are so short, so fleeting. She might get lucky. 

She’s never liked lying; but if it’s to herself, does it even count?

Truth be told, this is as much to keep them busy as it is to keep herself busy. If she keeps moving, keeps running, keeps helping, keeps going like everything is normal, then maybe everything is. She pretends not to notice the worried glances her friends send her way, the way Ryan flinches when she snaps a bit too harshly, the way Graham frowns worriedly when he thinks she isn’t looking, the way Yaz studies her, trying to work out whether she’s slept, whether she’s even left the console room since the last time they saw her.

They’ve just gotten back from planet five when she realizes it’s not going to work. 

No, that’s a lie (again). She knew that already. That’s when she can’t pretend that she doesn’t anymore. She feels them, glancing at each other, hesitating behind her and for one second, her hand hovers over the controls, ready to set them for yet another wonderful, exotic, _distracting_ destination.

Yaz speaks. “You OK? You’re really quiet.”

“Yeah, you have been for days now,” Ryan adds and she’s staring at the dial in front of her but she’s not seeing it.

“They’re right.” Graham, of course. They’re nothing if not in sync, her fam. “Five planets, and you’ve barely said a word.” 

So much for distracting, then. “I’m fine!” She almost winces at how wrong her voice sounds, but she’s got practice and her expression holds. Best not risk too much though; she’s off to the back of the console, out of view.

She knows what he’s going to say before he does: “Why don’t you ever share anything with us?”

_(You don’t talk. You never say!)_

She jams a lever down with more force than necessary to drown out her own memories before turning to face them with just the right amount of offense on her features –she hopes. “I share stuff!” She _knows_ it won’t cut it, so she’s not sure why she’s even trying.

It doesn’t cut it. “Not about yourself, though,” Graham points out.

 _(You talk all the time but you don’t say anything_. _)_

Ryan and Yaz agree. She’s not looking at them, so she’s not sure whether they actually say it out loud or just think it –it’s just as loud anyway. 

She’s cornered.

“Fine,” and it sounds wrong, too harsh, like it should’ve been said in a different voice, a different accent –maybe Scottish? She makes her way to them, looks at them one after the other. “What do you want to know?”

For a second, they all look taken aback –is it because she’s actually offering them answers or is it because of how she said it? Too cold, too harsh, she knows, but if she’s not cold then she might break, and that would be _so much worse_.

Graham’s the first to get over his shock. “Who are you, Doc? I mean, really?”

Ha.

That’s always been the question, hasn’t it.

Voices and flashes and _the doctor of war_ and _your friend_ and _doctor WHO?_ and– she pushes them down. She’s never liked lying, and she doesn’t want to do it now, but how do you tell the truth when even the simplest facts suddenly sound like lies?

“I was born on a planet called Gallifrey, in the constellation of Kasterborous.” _but gallifrey’s gone it’s gone again it’s not part of any constellation now, it’s gone_

“I’m a Timelord.” _except there’s apparently no such thing as timelords_

“I can regenerate my body.” _omission_ ; _regenerating also means dying and leaving and burning_

“I stole this TARDIS and I ran away. I’ve been travelling ever since.” _and again; “travelling” really doesn’t cover it_

“The Master was one of my oldest friends.” _without hope, without witness, without reward, i am your friend. but_ **_no_** _._

“We went very different ways.” _gallifrey burning, burning, burnt. they really didn’t, did they?_

The best lies always have a bit of truth to them –but now she’s not even sure which is which.

And because she can’t have them ask again, she finishes: “Questions?”

Of course they have questions, but the word wasn’t an invitation. It was a dare, and none of them take it. The silence holds for _one_ , _two_ , _three_ –

On _four_ , Graham smiles a little. “Loads.”

She can almost breathe and maybe it’s over for now at least and then Yaz speaks: “Can we visit? Your home?”

 _(Can we go to yours? Planet of the timelords, that’s got to be worth a look_. _)_

She doesn’t like lying. That doesn’t mean she doesn’t know how to. She smiles –an apology. (like it makes any difference.) “Another time.”

**Author's Note:**

> me during all of s11: i want to see 13 snap, i want to see 13 break, bring on the Angst chibs  
> me after spyfall part 2: I Never Want To See 13 Sad Ever In My Entire Life
> 
> anyway, this kept looping in my head so i figured i might as well write it; it's half fic half meta, really, but that's just how it be. 
> 
> come yell at me about 13 on tumblr: @taardisblue


End file.
